some things they don't tell you about renovation

Instead of my usual, "hey check out my awesome progress knockin' down walls/ripping out entire kitchen/imploding the MGM Grand Hotel" post, today I'm gonna share some of the more mundane day-to-day realities of the process.

Yucky remodeling fact #1) It's Gonna Make A Big F&*ing Mess

That may not look too bad, but here's the thing; I currently have four 36-gallon garbage cans (I actually lost one in the Gilligan's Island-magnitude typhoon the other day, but replaced it today) and I spend a LOT of time with the 7 1/4" circular saw hacking down pieces of wood (or breaking pieces of drywall) and stuffing those damn cans. Downsizing the rubble pile is akin to glimpsing a distant oasis that always appears to lie just over the horizon, but alas, is never found. The good news is that garbage pickup (somewhat inexplicably) occurs twice a week. But I imagine the garbage men probably hate my guts by now, especially considering that a large amount of my refuse tends to be of the smashed-up-wood-with-a-billion-nails-sticking-out variety, thus inadvertently creating garbage cans full of weapons. Sorry guys. Maybe I'll buy them a case of beer. Kidding aside, I kind of have to get it together and clear it out pretty soon, because Mr. Tear Out The Floor Guy ain't gonna be real happy if he shows up to do his business and can't see the floor he's here to remove.

Yucky remodeling fact #2) Bathrooms Make Lousy Kitchens

Like most people who don't reside in tents and refrigerator boxes, my living situations have always included the convenience of a kitchen. I'm certainly not the type who enjoys "roughing it"– I've never camped in my life. (this being because I am, technically speaking, a Jewish person, and Jews don't camp. Don't bother trying to debate me on this.) Given my currently non-existent actual kitchen, I hacked together a reasonable facsimile thereof in one of the bedrooms:


Mid-sized refrigerator- Already owned this from my old studio, and has the unique "feature" of a separate area at the top for ice trays, ostensibly colder than the rest of the interior. The reality is that if you adjust the temperature cold enough to freeze ice cubes, it freezes everything else. Ever try to slice a frozen onion? Weird things happen. Additionally, you really carefully must consider grocery purchases due to severe space constraints. This is especially ironic in light of the fact that the World's Largest Sub-Zero refrigerator lies dormant on its back in my garage (to answer the obvious question "why don't you use it" 1) it's extremely difficult to stand a 500 lb refrigerator up, and 2) having a the fridge that far away from the room would totally suck, almost as much as having the sink in the bathroom, but I'll get to that...)

$15 hot plate bought from Amazon- because no brick-and-mortar store actually carries them. The good news is that it works suprisingly well. It'll actually boil water.

Microwave, toaster oven and coffee maker- no calamities there, but I try not to turn too many things on at once for fear of blowing a breaker.

Now, about that sink business: you don't realize how much you rely on a nearby sink while cooking until it isn't nearby. Running to the bathroom every time you get egg on your hand is a total pain in the ass. But where things really went awry was that I foolishly did dishes in the sink, and quickly plugged the drain with icky food remains. For a couple of weeks I've been working around the nasty reality of a sink that fills up with water in the manner of bucket. After the first week, I had the semi-bright idea to use a garden-variety kitchen strainer in an attempt to preemptively catch food gunk, but it was already too late. I assumed the drain was clogged at the trap (that being the curvy and frequently stinky part of the pipe under the sink), so armed with a tools, gloves and a bucket, I disassembled it this morning. As it turned out, the trap was (relatively speaking) clean, and the food-detritus-mess was actually right at the pop-up drain plug, mostly in the plastic "wings" directly beneath. I had to undo the open/close mechanism under the sink to get it out, but once removed I was treated to this disgusting culinary greatest hits collection of the past month:

Yeah, that might just be the problem. Fortunately, my gross out threshold is pretty high– as long as it doesn't involve poop or live scary insects, I'm pretty tolerant. Anyway, I took this mess outside and rinsed it clean, then didn't re-install it. In its place, I dropped in not one, but two metal strainers from the local Lowe's. Two of 'em weren't my intention, but they only sold them in packs of three sizes, and the two smaller ones were super close in size, so I figured why not drop them both in for extra protection. Now I can do dishes again without concern about water-filled sinks. Smells better there too.

In unrelated news, I am currently listening to the just-purchased Pretenders II album, which is awesome ("Day After Day"). Chrissie really ruled before half her band tragically perished and she transformed into an abrasive PETA/vegan soapbox monster.